to someone i don't talk to as much as i'd like

chaz,

i miss you. yeah, yeah, yeah, i've said that before. but still. i miss those weeks before you left for italy this past summer. i miss sneaking into the house to hang out with you and drink wine. i miss walks in the arb. i miss staring up at the stars from the middle of the arb far too late at night. i miss our conversations. maybe most of all i miss that feeling i'd get, that silly kind of anger, when you'd tell me what i didn't want to hear, or explain something i do so perfectly. you taught me alot about myself, whether i liked it all or not. i miss feeling free, being able to be myself. i miss how you saw through the front i put up. i loved how you would call me out when i deserved it. you made me look at things differently.
you never expected anything from me. you never tried to take advantage of me, or use me. you only ever gave me reasons TO trust you..but i didn't. wouldn't. couldn't? nah, you'd disagree with the last one. i was afraid of how close i got to you. i was afraid of letting you hurt me...though you showed me not all guys are like the ones who used me.
so yeah, hey chaz? remember how we were going to get lunch and we were too busy? i vote we make time. soon. go for a snowy walk in the arb. drink wine. just talk. pretend things are like they were before you went to italy. i miss those days. i miss our talks. i miss not caring that a friend called me by my full name.

rebecca.

to someone i wish i could meet.

raleigh;

rob loved you. he loved you a whole lot. you pretty much screwed up his life for a hot sec. and now the two of you are friends. you have no idea how much that pisses me off. maybe i'm jealous, that's definitely part of it. but still. what makes you so wonderful that you can fuck him over and then be bffs all of a sudden? i hate you and i don't even know you. maybe i want to meet you so that i feel justified in hating you. i don't care. i want to meet you to see what it is that i need to do to be perfect, so he won't leave me. if i'm prettier and skinnier and smarter and more fun than you then he has to love  me and never leave me right? then again if that logic held then he wouldn't talk to other girls, right?
maybe this isn't about you even. but i'd still like to meet you. just to see all the things that i'm not.

becky.

to my favorite internet friend.

i don't know that i have one. i have followers, i have people i follow, on blogger tumblr and twitter. sometimes i envy the support i see exchanged, the close relationships that form, through blogger or tumblr.. but i tried. there was katie, we texted and encouraged eachother..but we ended up living our lives so differently that it never would've worked. there was alisha.. she seemed so alive, she inspired me. then, after a week...she disappeared. i know she didn't weigh alot, wasn't eating alot, and was burning somewhere around 1000cal/day and taking caffeine pills among other things. i wondered if she'd died, if she got put in some treatment center, or maybe she just got sick of blogging. who knows. the internet is impersonal. i know i take it too seriously. then again, blogger and tumblr have given me a community of  individuals who have something in common with me, and are willing to encourage, etc. idk.

to my ex.

hmm. which one? let's see...oh yeah got it.

mike;

i was young, i was naive, i didn't know any better. i thought you loved me. i gave you everything, literally. well, that's up for debate. some i gave. some things you took, stole, and i can never get them back. yes, there were times that i was so happy to be with you. but did you really ever care about me? or did you just like having me around but kicked me to the curb when you found out how much i despise myself? don't try and spin it; i remember exactly how it happened. i carved 'failure' into my ankle. i took a picture of it and sent it to you.. i don't recall why. maybe it was just a cry for help- you'd picked up on me being down, i trusted you, perhaps i thought you'd help. maybe you got scared. maybe you were disgusted. maybe you thought it was pathetic, and either way, we were over even faster than we started.
four months later, i'd have my first suicide attempt. my parents thought it was because of you. they were wrong. it wasn't because of you, because you left me, because i trusted you. it was because of me; i let myself trust you, i let you take away things you had no right taking, i let you change me, manipulate me. i let you pull me away from my friends and towards you. i lied to my parents so i could see you. and in the end the fact that you did those things had no bearing on how it affected me. as far as i was concerned, it was all my fault. i'd brought it upon myself. i was supposed to have sex with you, right? that's how it works, it's not a choice, right? you said you loved me so i believed you. i believed you. i was foolish enough to do that.
so in the end.. i can't resent you. i can resent myself. maybe i can blame you. i don't know. i can't hate you- when things were good, they were good. we had a good time together mostly. i just wish the dark side of it all wasn't there. you hurt me, which i turned on myself. you are not why i wanted to die.

i don't hate you. i wish you the best in life. what happened is in the past. whether or not it still affects me to this day is a reflection on myself, not you.

becky x.

to a stranger.

You're the guy I'm going to marry. I'll walk down the aisle in a beautiful white dress, and you'll say "I do" and make me happier than I've ever been. You'll treat me right, be there for me when I need you, and won't be afraid to tell me things I don't want to hear. You'll love dogs, of course, and work a steady job. You'll provide for me, though I'll be working too. To me, you're perfect.
I just haven't met you yet.

Love,
Becky

my dreams.

My dreams fuck with my head. I take them too seriously and they interfere with my reality on some occasions. Maybe I just read too much into them. I don't know.
On a bigger scale, I don't know. I suppose I dream of the day I don't need Andrea or welbutrin and I can just be happy on my own. I want to get married, I don't know if I want children. I want to graduate college but have no clue what I want to do after that. I want to have enough money to never have to worry about finances, but don't ask me how I'll make that happen.

to my brother.

I don't know you. We don't get along. We tolerate eachother, and that's it.

I blame our parents.

Becky.

to my parents.

You worry too much, though I give you plenty reason to do so. I've always been scared of disappointing you, but I've gotten to the point that I don't care anymore. I'm doing things my way, for me, and don't care what you think anymore.
Bottom line is, I love you. You've stuck with me through the hell of the last few months, and I'm thankful for that. Though I know I don't show it.

Love,
Rebecca

to my crush.

When I think about all the shit we've been through, it honestly surprises me that you're still here for me. I love you so much and regardless of what happens, nothing will change that. No one else has stuck around once they learned things that I regret to this day, and without you I'm certain I wouldn't be alive today.

Part of me wishes we could just have a normal relationship, but I'm beginning to think that'll never happen. When we met, we were drunk, and from then until our "first date" is truly just a blur now. I regret drinking so much that I don't remember how we got to know eachother, besides me spending the night all too often. I regret the night that started, and I think you do too. I regret letting you walk away from me back in March, though I don't know what else I could've done to stop you. Some days I still see you walking away from me, not looking back, as I sank to the ground and cried. Afterall, it was my fault - all my fault; I was FUBAR and your attempts to change that were futile. 

To tell the truth, I can't get that out of my mind. The thought lingers to this day - you left me. I know things are different now, but I still don't entirely trust you..and I hate that. Part of me thinks you deserve better than me- I feel like all I do is hurt you. Often I convince myself you're just going to leave me again, though I know that if you were going to, you would've back in September rather than hopping in the ambulance and staying by my side through the night. I know I told you I hated you that night, but I never meant it.

I'm sorry I called you a shitty boyfriend, I'm sorry I pick fights, and I'm sorry if it seems that nothing you do is enough. You do so much for me and I know that sometimes I underappreciate your efforts, but deep down I'm so thankful and I'd be entirely lost without you. You mean the world to me. Maybe that's why I get so afraid and paranoid that you're going to leave me..I let myself get attached and gave you the power to hurt me. Again. I'm scared I'll never be okay, I'll never be happy, and I'll never make you happy. 

My favorite place to be is in your arms. To be honest, that's all I want right now. I love you so much. I just feel like we're in this place where neither of us are happy, and it's making me even question if being with you is the best thing for me right now...though I know it is. I love you. I need you. I'll never leave you.

I love you so much hun.

Love,

beckyy

to my best friend.

aaaahhh. I love you. You've been there for me, no matter how many states or timezones between us. We've both done plenty of crazy things and made our share of bad decisions, but we stuck with eachother. I hate that you're so far away now, and wish we had more time together before you had to go back down south. There are things that have happened in the past four months that I haven't told you and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I'm ashamed to tell my best friend that I got to that point again, and nearly crossed the line. I don't want to hear what you'd say, because I value your opinion so so much. I've seen you grow over the years and even over the past ten months. Few people possess the strength you exhibited even through restraining orders and court dates. I've always thought you deserve much better than what you've settled for, and hope you find true happiness soon. You deserve it after the shit 2010 threw at you.

Anyway, whatever happens, I'll still be here. That's a promise. And you know I'm not going anywhere.

Love,
Rebecca xx

a month of letters.

January
1 - Your best friend
2 - Your crush
3 - Your parents
4 - Your sibling
5 - Your dreams
6 - A stranger
7 - Your ex-boyfriend/love/crush
8 - Your favorite internet friend
9 - Someone you wish you could meet
10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like
11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to
12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
14 - Someone you've drifted away from
15 - The person you miss the most
16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
17 - Someone from your childhood
18 - The person that you wish you could be
19 - Someone that pesters your mind (good or bad)
20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
23 - The last person you kissed
24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
25 - The person you know that is going through bad times
26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
28 - Someone that changed your life
29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to
30 - Your reflection in the mirror

my year starts tomorrow.

2011 will be my year.

i've already decided. if you object, that's just too darn bad. this is for me to reflect on how it goes. to grow. to learn from myself.

love.x.