to my crush.

When I think about all the shit we've been through, it honestly surprises me that you're still here for me. I love you so much and regardless of what happens, nothing will change that. No one else has stuck around once they learned things that I regret to this day, and without you I'm certain I wouldn't be alive today.

Part of me wishes we could just have a normal relationship, but I'm beginning to think that'll never happen. When we met, we were drunk, and from then until our "first date" is truly just a blur now. I regret drinking so much that I don't remember how we got to know eachother, besides me spending the night all too often. I regret the night that started, and I think you do too. I regret letting you walk away from me back in March, though I don't know what else I could've done to stop you. Some days I still see you walking away from me, not looking back, as I sank to the ground and cried. Afterall, it was my fault - all my fault; I was FUBAR and your attempts to change that were futile. 

To tell the truth, I can't get that out of my mind. The thought lingers to this day - you left me. I know things are different now, but I still don't entirely trust you..and I hate that. Part of me thinks you deserve better than me- I feel like all I do is hurt you. Often I convince myself you're just going to leave me again, though I know that if you were going to, you would've back in September rather than hopping in the ambulance and staying by my side through the night. I know I told you I hated you that night, but I never meant it.

I'm sorry I called you a shitty boyfriend, I'm sorry I pick fights, and I'm sorry if it seems that nothing you do is enough. You do so much for me and I know that sometimes I underappreciate your efforts, but deep down I'm so thankful and I'd be entirely lost without you. You mean the world to me. Maybe that's why I get so afraid and paranoid that you're going to leave me..I let myself get attached and gave you the power to hurt me. Again. I'm scared I'll never be okay, I'll never be happy, and I'll never make you happy. 

My favorite place to be is in your arms. To be honest, that's all I want right now. I love you so much. I just feel like we're in this place where neither of us are happy, and it's making me even question if being with you is the best thing for me right now...though I know it is. I love you. I need you. I'll never leave you.

I love you so much hun.

Love,

beckyy