to a stranger.

You're the guy I'm going to marry. I'll walk down the aisle in a beautiful white dress, and you'll say "I do" and make me happier than I've ever been. You'll treat me right, be there for me when I need you, and won't be afraid to tell me things I don't want to hear. You'll love dogs, of course, and work a steady job. You'll provide for me, though I'll be working too. To me, you're perfect.
I just haven't met you yet.

Love,
Becky

my dreams.

My dreams fuck with my head. I take them too seriously and they interfere with my reality on some occasions. Maybe I just read too much into them. I don't know.
On a bigger scale, I don't know. I suppose I dream of the day I don't need Andrea or welbutrin and I can just be happy on my own. I want to get married, I don't know if I want children. I want to graduate college but have no clue what I want to do after that. I want to have enough money to never have to worry about finances, but don't ask me how I'll make that happen.

to my brother.

I don't know you. We don't get along. We tolerate eachother, and that's it.

I blame our parents.

Becky.

to my parents.

You worry too much, though I give you plenty reason to do so. I've always been scared of disappointing you, but I've gotten to the point that I don't care anymore. I'm doing things my way, for me, and don't care what you think anymore.
Bottom line is, I love you. You've stuck with me through the hell of the last few months, and I'm thankful for that. Though I know I don't show it.

Love,
Rebecca

to my crush.

When I think about all the shit we've been through, it honestly surprises me that you're still here for me. I love you so much and regardless of what happens, nothing will change that. No one else has stuck around once they learned things that I regret to this day, and without you I'm certain I wouldn't be alive today.

Part of me wishes we could just have a normal relationship, but I'm beginning to think that'll never happen. When we met, we were drunk, and from then until our "first date" is truly just a blur now. I regret drinking so much that I don't remember how we got to know eachother, besides me spending the night all too often. I regret the night that started, and I think you do too. I regret letting you walk away from me back in March, though I don't know what else I could've done to stop you. Some days I still see you walking away from me, not looking back, as I sank to the ground and cried. Afterall, it was my fault - all my fault; I was FUBAR and your attempts to change that were futile. 

To tell the truth, I can't get that out of my mind. The thought lingers to this day - you left me. I know things are different now, but I still don't entirely trust you..and I hate that. Part of me thinks you deserve better than me- I feel like all I do is hurt you. Often I convince myself you're just going to leave me again, though I know that if you were going to, you would've back in September rather than hopping in the ambulance and staying by my side through the night. I know I told you I hated you that night, but I never meant it.

I'm sorry I called you a shitty boyfriend, I'm sorry I pick fights, and I'm sorry if it seems that nothing you do is enough. You do so much for me and I know that sometimes I underappreciate your efforts, but deep down I'm so thankful and I'd be entirely lost without you. You mean the world to me. Maybe that's why I get so afraid and paranoid that you're going to leave me..I let myself get attached and gave you the power to hurt me. Again. I'm scared I'll never be okay, I'll never be happy, and I'll never make you happy. 

My favorite place to be is in your arms. To be honest, that's all I want right now. I love you so much. I just feel like we're in this place where neither of us are happy, and it's making me even question if being with you is the best thing for me right now...though I know it is. I love you. I need you. I'll never leave you.

I love you so much hun.

Love,

beckyy

to my best friend.

aaaahhh. I love you. You've been there for me, no matter how many states or timezones between us. We've both done plenty of crazy things and made our share of bad decisions, but we stuck with eachother. I hate that you're so far away now, and wish we had more time together before you had to go back down south. There are things that have happened in the past four months that I haven't told you and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I'm ashamed to tell my best friend that I got to that point again, and nearly crossed the line. I don't want to hear what you'd say, because I value your opinion so so much. I've seen you grow over the years and even over the past ten months. Few people possess the strength you exhibited even through restraining orders and court dates. I've always thought you deserve much better than what you've settled for, and hope you find true happiness soon. You deserve it after the shit 2010 threw at you.

Anyway, whatever happens, I'll still be here. That's a promise. And you know I'm not going anywhere.

Love,
Rebecca xx

a month of letters.

January
1 - Your best friend
2 - Your crush
3 - Your parents
4 - Your sibling
5 - Your dreams
6 - A stranger
7 - Your ex-boyfriend/love/crush
8 - Your favorite internet friend
9 - Someone you wish you could meet
10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like
11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to
12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
13 - Someone you wish could forgive you
14 - Someone you've drifted away from
15 - The person you miss the most
16 - Someone that's not in your state/country
17 - Someone from your childhood
18 - The person that you wish you could be
19 - Someone that pesters your mind (good or bad)
20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest
21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to
23 - The last person you kissed
24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
25 - The person you know that is going through bad times
26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to
27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day
28 - Someone that changed your life
29 - The person you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to
30 - Your reflection in the mirror