to my ex.

hmm. which one? let's see...oh yeah got it.

mike;

i was young, i was naive, i didn't know any better. i thought you loved me. i gave you everything, literally. well, that's up for debate. some i gave. some things you took, stole, and i can never get them back. yes, there were times that i was so happy to be with you. but did you really ever care about me? or did you just like having me around but kicked me to the curb when you found out how much i despise myself? don't try and spin it; i remember exactly how it happened. i carved 'failure' into my ankle. i took a picture of it and sent it to you.. i don't recall why. maybe it was just a cry for help- you'd picked up on me being down, i trusted you, perhaps i thought you'd help. maybe you got scared. maybe you were disgusted. maybe you thought it was pathetic, and either way, we were over even faster than we started.
four months later, i'd have my first suicide attempt. my parents thought it was because of you. they were wrong. it wasn't because of you, because you left me, because i trusted you. it was because of me; i let myself trust you, i let you take away things you had no right taking, i let you change me, manipulate me. i let you pull me away from my friends and towards you. i lied to my parents so i could see you. and in the end the fact that you did those things had no bearing on how it affected me. as far as i was concerned, it was all my fault. i'd brought it upon myself. i was supposed to have sex with you, right? that's how it works, it's not a choice, right? you said you loved me so i believed you. i believed you. i was foolish enough to do that.
so in the end.. i can't resent you. i can resent myself. maybe i can blame you. i don't know. i can't hate you- when things were good, they were good. we had a good time together mostly. i just wish the dark side of it all wasn't there. you hurt me, which i turned on myself. you are not why i wanted to die.

i don't hate you. i wish you the best in life. what happened is in the past. whether or not it still affects me to this day is a reflection on myself, not you.

becky x.