to someone i don't talk to as much as i'd like

chaz,

i miss you. yeah, yeah, yeah, i've said that before. but still. i miss those weeks before you left for italy this past summer. i miss sneaking into the house to hang out with you and drink wine. i miss walks in the arb. i miss staring up at the stars from the middle of the arb far too late at night. i miss our conversations. maybe most of all i miss that feeling i'd get, that silly kind of anger, when you'd tell me what i didn't want to hear, or explain something i do so perfectly. you taught me alot about myself, whether i liked it all or not. i miss feeling free, being able to be myself. i miss how you saw through the front i put up. i loved how you would call me out when i deserved it. you made me look at things differently.
you never expected anything from me. you never tried to take advantage of me, or use me. you only ever gave me reasons TO trust you..but i didn't. wouldn't. couldn't? nah, you'd disagree with the last one. i was afraid of how close i got to you. i was afraid of letting you hurt me...though you showed me not all guys are like the ones who used me.
so yeah, hey chaz? remember how we were going to get lunch and we were too busy? i vote we make time. soon. go for a snowy walk in the arb. drink wine. just talk. pretend things are like they were before you went to italy. i miss those days. i miss our talks. i miss not caring that a friend called me by my full name.

rebecca.

to someone i wish i could meet.

raleigh;

rob loved you. he loved you a whole lot. you pretty much screwed up his life for a hot sec. and now the two of you are friends. you have no idea how much that pisses me off. maybe i'm jealous, that's definitely part of it. but still. what makes you so wonderful that you can fuck him over and then be bffs all of a sudden? i hate you and i don't even know you. maybe i want to meet you so that i feel justified in hating you. i don't care. i want to meet you to see what it is that i need to do to be perfect, so he won't leave me. if i'm prettier and skinnier and smarter and more fun than you then he has to love  me and never leave me right? then again if that logic held then he wouldn't talk to other girls, right?
maybe this isn't about you even. but i'd still like to meet you. just to see all the things that i'm not.

becky.

to my favorite internet friend.

i don't know that i have one. i have followers, i have people i follow, on blogger tumblr and twitter. sometimes i envy the support i see exchanged, the close relationships that form, through blogger or tumblr.. but i tried. there was katie, we texted and encouraged eachother..but we ended up living our lives so differently that it never would've worked. there was alisha.. she seemed so alive, she inspired me. then, after a week...she disappeared. i know she didn't weigh alot, wasn't eating alot, and was burning somewhere around 1000cal/day and taking caffeine pills among other things. i wondered if she'd died, if she got put in some treatment center, or maybe she just got sick of blogging. who knows. the internet is impersonal. i know i take it too seriously. then again, blogger and tumblr have given me a community of  individuals who have something in common with me, and are willing to encourage, etc. idk.

to my ex.

hmm. which one? let's see...oh yeah got it.

mike;

i was young, i was naive, i didn't know any better. i thought you loved me. i gave you everything, literally. well, that's up for debate. some i gave. some things you took, stole, and i can never get them back. yes, there were times that i was so happy to be with you. but did you really ever care about me? or did you just like having me around but kicked me to the curb when you found out how much i despise myself? don't try and spin it; i remember exactly how it happened. i carved 'failure' into my ankle. i took a picture of it and sent it to you.. i don't recall why. maybe it was just a cry for help- you'd picked up on me being down, i trusted you, perhaps i thought you'd help. maybe you got scared. maybe you were disgusted. maybe you thought it was pathetic, and either way, we were over even faster than we started.
four months later, i'd have my first suicide attempt. my parents thought it was because of you. they were wrong. it wasn't because of you, because you left me, because i trusted you. it was because of me; i let myself trust you, i let you take away things you had no right taking, i let you change me, manipulate me. i let you pull me away from my friends and towards you. i lied to my parents so i could see you. and in the end the fact that you did those things had no bearing on how it affected me. as far as i was concerned, it was all my fault. i'd brought it upon myself. i was supposed to have sex with you, right? that's how it works, it's not a choice, right? you said you loved me so i believed you. i believed you. i was foolish enough to do that.
so in the end.. i can't resent you. i can resent myself. maybe i can blame you. i don't know. i can't hate you- when things were good, they were good. we had a good time together mostly. i just wish the dark side of it all wasn't there. you hurt me, which i turned on myself. you are not why i wanted to die.

i don't hate you. i wish you the best in life. what happened is in the past. whether or not it still affects me to this day is a reflection on myself, not you.

becky x.